So I never played Home Alone on the NES. Sue me. I was never really a big fan of the movies either, but I had a good reason. When I was a kid, I was constantly being compared to Kevin McAllister and asked by various family members to do his whole screaming bit, so it was almost like I wasn’t able to be myself because I had to be ready on cue for whenever anyone asked me to do that stupid scream. However, as in every case of Atari Man Loves, I had to find one thing about this game that I loved most of all, and I think, to keep with the theme of this article so far, I’m going to say, without question, it is the NES depiction of my childhood doppelganger.
For you see, dear readers, is it just me or is NES Kevin trying to tell us something? No, not that the coders are horrible, or the developers did a shoddy job of creating him, that goes without saying, but that in truth, the folks behind this game were all fascists nightmares (dressed like a daydream-high five Tay) who made it apparently clear that if you were going to be a sprite in their game you had to have a nearly identical hair and pants combo? For crying out loud, even his eyebrows and possibly his eyes are blonde! Blonde hair, blonde eyes, sounds pretty Gestapo to me. Why do dead German dictators have to ruin decent NES games? Don’t they have anything better to do, like the can-can or be used over and over again in YouTube videos complaining about some current event that they weren’t even alive to see happen?
I hate that Atari Man, always spoiling my plans for using Home Alone as Nazi propaganda!
Anyways, one thing NES Kevin does have going for him is an array of weapons. Oh no, I’m not talking about those little boxes you find as you go through the game. I’m talking about things like black shoes and a black shirt. That’s right, you blonde fascists, NES Kevin is still a human being and he’s going to let you know that by dressing like a combination beat poet/coffeehouse barista, and let me tell you something, he’s got some alliteration and a shot of espresso coming right at you, pal! More importantly than this show of individual freedom is NES Kevin’s ability to not only change his hairstyle and clothing (as seen when the Wet Bandits are caught) but judging by that scene alone, Kevin has the ability to change himself from a boy to what appears to be a 28-year-old blonde fascist who admires Lloyd Christmas’ haircut from Dumb and Dumber. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Let me ask you something, can Super Mario or Sonic do that? Can they go from wearing beatnik clothes to an ugly turtleneck while doubling their age? I think not!
I suppose I’d be excited too, looking older than I really am at the drop of a hat. Think of all the time saved you could be wasting making a fake ID.
So yes, NES Kevin, Atari Man loves your crazy hijinks, questionable spontaneous aging skills, and the ability to also change hairstyles and clothing at a whim long before The Sims was but a glimmer in the eyes of Maxis. I will salute you with a glass of chocolate milk, an old gangster movie, and by slapping Brut on my face and screaming…you know, like people used to ask me EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
…I hate you.
Sigh, it’s a tough gig being Atari Man.
About the author:
Atari Man is a 33-year-old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.
2 Dudes and a NES 