Astyanax was a game I didn’t get excited about when I first heard the name as a kid. It could have been because I had a hard time spelling it, or because I thought it was some kind of food fungus ointment, kind of like Tinactin, only without the boom and inflated face of John Madden.
BOOM! TOUGH ACTIN’ ASTYANAX FOR ALL YOUR MYTHOLOGICAL INSPIRED FOOT FUNGUS!
However, as Michael Kelso tends to you, he gives me a game that I care so little about and makes me care about it, usually unintentionally, or promising me lavish gifts like a box of Slim Jims so I can practice my Macho Man impression or a signed copy of a box of Crest 3D toothpaste signed by the god of dental hygiene himself, Rob Luther. Astyanax is one of those games that requires a few tries before you can really appreciate it, or in my case, chuckle at what you’re seeing. In the case of today’s article, the focus here is on ordinary things are in this game if you really stop to strip it all done to the bare bones. However, in doing so, you’re left with a lot of questions, but fortunately, your ol’ pal Atari Man, he has all the answers for you.
A day in the life of young Roche consists of waking up in some dingy, dark, dank, probably cold(did the Greeks ever think of paying their heating bills? What, they can have a “big fat” wedding, but they can’t make sure Roche isn’t so freezing he has to pull out his heavy footie pajamas?) and putting on an outfit that not only looks silly in general, but looks like something created by the dual efforts of Big Van Vader and Grimace from The McDonald’s commercials. Is Roche really the mysterious 1980s wrestler The Purple Nurple???
SMELL MY ARMPIT! IT’S TIME, IT’S TIME, IT’S PURPLE NURPLE SUIT TIME!!!
Speaking of this outfit, and the physical makeup of this kid in general, how does he go from looking like a punching bag for most people in the cut scenes to somebody who could DDT every monster he faces? I’m consulting with Zeus for a drug screening. I mean, you can’t really blame Roche for this, it’s his silly parents pressuring him into doing this stuff. What’s the meaning of all of this anyways?
As bad as you might feel for Roche, as far as the silly outfit and parental peer pressure to look like the next Brock Lesnar, I DON’T feel bad for the fact his axe sounds like it couldn’t cut through a block of cheese, never mind an enemy, but hey, if you’re a brash kid who gets this fire axe from God and doesn’t return it, you get what’s coming to you. Did he listen to all of God’s instructions? No, of course not! That’s kids these days, always grabbing mystical fire axes and running off without finding out how it works, what the warranty is on it, and walking all over my prize Carolina blue grass, well guess what, pal, next time I see you on my lawn I’ll-
Wait, where was I going with that?
It’s a good thing that for all the bologna(and it’s not even fresh) that’s going on in this game, with young whippersnappers taking steroids, wearing ugly suits, and using a fire axe unsupervised, it’s a good thing that there’s something in this game I love so much, it helps me look past the glaring parental miscues from Roche’s folks, and the fact people are dumb enough to find courage in some random teenager and his axe of flame. Come on, finding courage in inanimate objects. What’s next? People harnessing energy from their mouth?
Nobody asked you, Rob.
Two words, meatball monsters.
Oh no, this isn’t Atari Man having some kind of nightmare that just so happened to arrive after eating a meatball sub, this is the one monster that shows up in the game, first dropping(or is it spinning?) down, looking like a big brown meatball. This is no ordinary meatball, it’s one that turns into what appears to be a two headed monster. Be afraid, be very afraid! For never in the history of man has there EVER been a two headed monster that’s brought good news, joy, and happiness! That’s right, Roche, say your prayers, because there’s NOTHING that can save you now, not even your fire butter knife! A two-headed monster! How merciless! How evil! How-
Sigh. I give up.
Spoiler Alert! Roche beats the two headed meatball monster with the power of Sesame Street, and just a little dash of grated parmesan cheese.
About the author:
Atari Man is a 33-year-old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.
2 Dudes and a NES 