To those who know me, and be thankful you’re not one of these unfortunate souls, I am quite the strange person (Can you tell?) but not just for the reasons that are quite evident. I am also a strange person in that a lot of the NES series that have that one game that is considered the definitive game in the series is often the one I don’t like, instead becoming an avid fan of that one game that is usually universally regarded as the black sheep or worst entry in the franchise’s illustrious history. In no situation is this more true than in my blatant disregard for the grandeur that is the original Legend Of Zelda, tossing all it’s fanfare aside like a used tissue in favor of one of my all time favorite childhood games, Zelda II: Adventure Of Link, a game that is as polarizing as Tim Tebow, and if you can’t agree with that, please, view exhibit A!
“Dur, what does polarizing mean? TEBOW TIME!”
I’ve given many reasons I find logical about my love of this game, but this isn’t about those logical ones. This is about the one reason that gets me about as much attention as Rob Luther after a dental exam, Nick Stephens at a Barry White tribute concert, or Landon Long at a chicken biscuit eating contest, and that would be, of course, the acceptance of random child lifting. What’s that? Not catching what Tim Tebow is throwing? Surely we all know about Link and his patented item excitement lift technique that was later blatantly copied by a bunch of weird people who think Little Caesars is as popular as it was in the 90s, without even filling out the legal Hyrulian documents, but I digress.
Admit it, you played the Ocarina Of Time item ditty in your head upon seeing this. Don’t lie to a woman holding a dachshund in the air, it’s bad luck.
Well while there are certainly some questionable items Link has lifted over the years, perhaps none as perplexing and borderline a CPA violation than the random child he lifts in Zelda II. If you think there’s nothing wrong with this scenario, please allow me to show you exhibit B!
There’s a reason Hyrule children are told not to talk to strangers, because they may get lifted into the air, turned into an item, and becoming a citizen of a Peter Pan impersonator’s pocket for all eternity. I mean just look at this kid’s terrified face!
You may be wondering how an honorable human being like myself could love seemingly the abduction of poorly dressed cave children by a guy with pointy ears and a sword that shoots laser beams, but before you put me on trial, my reason for loving this is the fact that this was all considered acceptable by Nintendo, a company that was supposedly built on wholesome family fun and good taste. That’s where the humor comes in, not in the children running from Link as he yells out “Get in my pocket!” with a certain Austin Powers’ villain’s accent.
To the children of Hyrule, take some quick advice from your ol’ pal Atari Man..
Run, children, run!
About the author:
Atari Man is a 33-year-old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.
2 Dudes and a NES 