There was perhaps no better visionary to walk through the doors of the President’s office at Nintendo than Satoru Iwata. He claimed on multiple occasions that he was not a businessman nor a game designer first but a gamer. This is what separated him from the President’s that preceded him.
Join the dudes as they sit down to talk about the man Iwata and his legendary role in Nintendo and gaming history.
Hey dudes and dudettes, Atari Man here. You know one of the things that never ceases to amaze me is how Kelso and Justin seem to keep selecting these games that I wouldn’t be caught dead playing. Like seriously, I’d rather play a Genesis game then some of these titles. I know, scary right? That being said, considering they seem to take some childish glee in making me play these blasted things so I can find something to center my article on I’d also like to say that ANOTHER thing that never ceases to amaze me is how so many retro games, especially those I cover, always seem to have something even more odd than the guy writing this as a focus, and if you don’t believe me, consider the following.
I had never heard of Bard’s Tale, but I vaguely recall being a wee lad on the mean streets of North Scranton (No, no, no, FOR THE LOVE OF GOOD NO OFFICE JOKES, STEPHENS!) and hearing about this game, somehow formulating in my tender mind that it was a text based game and thus cancer in the eyes of many children. That’s the thing about being Atari Man, kids, sometimes CEO Kelso with his fancy license plate and COO Justin with his gastrointestinal deficient pets make me knowingly go out and get cancer of the eyes with these games. I sit there, drink about 2 or 3 Redd’s Strawberry Ale (which are delicious) and wonder just what I did to make these two so angry. I mean, was it the impressions Aaron Hickman and I did of the 2 Dudes behind closed doors that were discovered? I mean, did they really have to call a meeting on us?
Kelso: “Hey Justin.”
Justin: “Yeah?”
Kelso: “Those two jerks were makin’ fun of our accents. That’s just not right.
Justin: “Yeah.”
Kelso: “Let’s make Nick play Bard’s Tale. That sounds really evil. I love license plates and homemade stuffing.”
Justin: “Yeah.”
I know the meaning behind those yeahs there Justin. There’s no need to shout. So as I always try to do, I tried to find some optimism, between the cushions of my couch, under Rob Luther’s hat, in between the biscuits of Landon Long’s favorite snack, but sadly I couldn’t find any, and the reason is simple. Bard’s Tale, like any game in its infancy, could have ended up being anything, and you’d think somebody in charge would come up with a killer idea as something that one day would get some kind of clever cult status among those who loyally played the game. So what did the creators of Bard’s Tale come up with that was on the lips of every gamer?
Wow..just..wow.
It seems that in the world of Bard’s Tale there’s a seemingly endless shortage of grape juice, and reasons are never truly explained. Certainly one could surmise that perhaps there was a recall of them, it happens all the time with everything from children’s car seats, to even bottled water, so grape juice certainly wouldn’t be immune to such a thing now would it? It seemed whenever I started to get a handle on the game, or at least somewhat appreciate it, this message of woe would appear and I would curse the people at Welch’s, and seriously they have had the cutest kids in their commercials since the invention of child actors.
This is the stuff that’s always gone in Bard’s Tale, yo. It’s like gold, my brother, like gold! Yeah, I gave him a NYC street vendor voice, so what?
What’s more is that if you are one of the lucky ones to actually FIND grape juice in this bizarre world of Bard’s Tale, it is so highly sought after that the people living in this place are paranoid to the point where they have to sip their purple nectar of the gods in private. I’m serious.
So for those of you keeping score, the only good grape juice is the kind you drink nervously while looking over your shoulder in your own cellar, hoping you don’t get shanked by an old man mistaking it for prune juice.
So why is grape juice in such short supply? After careful research and another Redd’s Strawberry Ale I can finally sum it all up in three words-Captain Jack Sparrow. The poor guy hasn’t been in a movie in years, AND he’s run out of rum, with no wine or spirits store in sight, so what’s a guy to do? Well, he needs to find a new drink of choice, and the delusional pirate has chosen grape juice, but not just any grape juice, Bard’s Tale grape juice, which must contain like 7 daily vitamins and minerals, as well as the ability to create more space in the minds of its drinkers to store vital information you need to do things like sneak into the Pentagon and make string cheese at home.
I’m sorry, but did somebody say vital information?
One might feel sorry for the poor people of Bard’s Tale, having to go to crazy lengths to protect their grape juice, or worse yet, having to find a store within reasonable driving distance to find some, but you know what, I don’t feel sorry for these jerks at all, and you want to know why?
There’s only 3 golden rules in life, people, just 3..
1)Be kind to your neighbor.
2)Put the seat back down if you’re married and value your life.
3)NEVER steal a pirate’s favorite drink.
I mean, I know rule #2 is pretty hard for some, but #3? Seriously, Bard’s Tale villagers, you had ONE JOB.
Good for you, Jack Sparrow, sneaking into the ADT protected cellars of these neurotic nutjobs. For once in your life you’re not the one asking “Where did all the rum go?” and why, because you’ve moved onto a healthier alternative all while terrorizing people who really do need to lighten up and stop hoarding all the grape juice. I salute you, Jack Sparrow, just let me get my glass of..
“Looking for something, mate?”
You sneaky, sneaky pirate. Well done.
My mother still treats me like I’m 9. As we speak I am sitting at my parents’ house making sure their 10-year-old little dog Rocky doesn’t bite one of the kind workers who are putting in a new back porch and I almost feel like I’m a child and she’s telling me “Now, Nicholas, not everything in the world is funny.” You’re right, Mom. Guys, my mom is right. You can’t just slap a picture on 2 Dudes And A NES and then through the magic of the Internet it becomes this sensationally hilarious thing.
Ok, so that’s pretty funny.
However, it is certainly worth noting that I don’t just wake up with these ideas in my head. It takes time, patience, a whole lot of snack foods, 90s music, and meditation in front of my Retro Junkies shrine (complete with Rob brushing his teeth and Landon chowing down on a chicken biscuit standing back to back) for me to get a clear mind, a clear soul, and might I add clear skin without the use of Adam Levine?
“I just couldn’t believe it. He looked right at me, said “You’re a poor man’s Rob Luther!”, and then hit me with a sugar bomb.”
I’ve been trying my best to go through the back catalog of episodes here on 2 Dudes after a long hiatus, and I realized a few things:
-There’s NO way I’m covering all these games. Sorry, peeps, but a guy has to eat, sleep, and dream of a world where Kanye West doesn’t exist.
-Kelso has one of the best voices NEVER to be in an episode of The Dukes Of Hazzard, with Justin as a close second.
-Some of the games that I thought would be difficult to create material for have actually been pretty easy, such is the case of what I LOVE today.
Just as I have so many great memories about classic NES titles, I also have those moments where I shook my head and wondered what the big deal was about a game, even as a kid. I can still vividly remember kids at school talking about Rygar and how great it was. Who was I to argue? I was quite the poor child in some aspects, especially in the realm of video games, so like any deprived kid I figured I was missing something until the day arrived that I got to put that glorious Rygar cartridge into my trusty NES and see just what all the hub-bub (great term, use it, guys) was about. I can still remember the very first question I asked myself when playing Rygar, as clear as day.
“Why is he using a yo-yo to attack people?”
Which was followed by a whole queue of questions, ranging from:
“Where did he get the yo-yo?”
“Is it a Duncan yo-yo?”
“If it isn’t Duncan, is it one of those Ding-A-Ling ones with the commercial that makes me and all my friends laugh?”
“Is that creepy guy in the cave his father? Did he get him the yo-yo for being a good boy at the mall?”
“Why do enemies disappear? Are they afraid of the yo-yo?”
You can now tell why I am the person you know today. While kids were worrying about things like fruit snacks, Saturday morning cartoons, and scented markers, I was tackling the big issues, like why Rygar was ever a game to begin with. That being said I’ve finally discovered the main reason this game DID come to pass, and it can be summed up in two words.
Mr. Dink.
“Heyuk, what’s the matter? Expecting someone less purple and handsome?”
Whenever you’re someone looking for something incredibly overpriced (VERY EXPENSIVE) that really has very little purpose, then Dink is your man. Would he really pass up the opportunity to provide this warrior with the latest and greatest in yo-yo weapon technology? Of course not!
So while I want to hate Rygar, I can’t, if only because of Bud Dink’s kind donation of some VERY EXPENSIVE yo-yos. How Dink obtains the money for this or any of this million other gadgets is still in question (I believe he sells drugs, but that’s for another article) but what definitely isn’t would be how naked this warrior would feel going to battle without his trusty high powered Mr Dink Yo-Yo Of Doom courtesy of Bluffco Industries.
I wonder if it had a catchy and highly questionable jingle?
Wait..they made robots? This changes everything!
A ship, an isle, decipher time with the Sun,
The mirrors of the seas, continually re-run,
Periods change for historical lands,
No map has he, yet the Capt’ commands.
An isle beside an isle,
She doth lay,
The Governor’s daughter,
For sale upon the bay,
Whilst the moon reflects, the port of gold,
A Pinnace ship, as the manual told,
Put forth its great and lonely flight,
To the ever reflecting ocean night,
She fly’s the flag,
Crash into the deck,
Aboard the Dutch,
Salvage the wreck.
*****************************************************
A worthy vagrant,
For a Capt’ thus far,
He signs up every seadog,
In each and any bar.
And still, a ship upon her seas,
Went sailing without the winds of ease,
And moved so slowly, the moon so pale,
That Frigate ship, she hardly set sail.
The marsh is thick,
The Galleon sails heavy,
The wind blows hard,
Capt’ hold her steady…
Attack, attack , via ground via sea,
The Capt’s men are shaken then angry.
The victorious winnings, of the sea faring buccaneer,
Again have vacated the towns food and beer.
Oh Sir, Oh Sir,
There is land upon the yonder,
Why not harbor?
Maybe divy upon the plunder?
Imagine the wealth?
The riches we could combine?
Then that stingy old Capt’….
Hickman was left behind.
The Dudes are joined this week by the one and only High Score Dude or Dude Shaun as he is also known by. They sit down to discuss the game Crystalis, which is a lesser known NES classic.
Many may have not heard about Crystalis but the game turns into a fun and interesting play for the Dudes. The Dudes talk about all things Crystalis that even includes a quiz game! Can Michael keep his winning record alive? You have to listen to find out.
Crystalis is a fun game that has brought entertainment to the many that have played it, just as this podcast will to the many D-padders.
Retrofitted Trophies
You are the wind beneath my wings – Get the sword of wind
Mom, the fog lamp!! – Find the fog lamp
Rinky Dink – Beat the game at the lowest level possible
Where’s Earth – Get both the wind and the fire sword
Do your parents even love you? – Find the psycho armor and shield
Thor like- Obtain the thunder sword
Waiting for a hero – Play the game between 1997 and 2097
Godslayer – Beat the game
Game Rating
90’s Rapper:
Bone Thugs N Harmony
LL Cool J
Biggie Smalls
Shout Outs!
My journey to 2 Dudes And A NES was no walk in the park, it was an arduous journey that would make Homer’s Odyssey look like a play date at Chuck E. Cheese. Actually, that’s pretty dangerous too now that I think of it, all those kids, the germs, the cheese, creepy mascots and terrible arcade games that are no real fun at all. My point is that I am grateful to be here among you, because somehow the great retro video game gods in the sky, just to the left of where Rob Luther stores his endless supply of spin brushes and Crest 3D whitening strips it was decided that I would come here, to grace you all with nonsensical shenanigans that make you stand up, cheer, and perhaps even do an interpretative dance in response to a song that doesn’t even have a dance for it. Would you like a suggestion? Ace Of Base’s “I Saw The Sign” because pointing to a sign and acting like you have to pee sounds pretty simple to me.
Hmm, maybe there already was an Ace Of Base created interpretive dance?
Let’s say, however, that you’re not as crafty, cunning, and elusive as your favorite Retro Junkies scribe? Perhaps on your journey here to the 2 Dudes And A NES website you encounter an enemy so awful, so vile, you’d almost think they were designed with the failure of your journey in mind. Such is the case for one Peter Griffin should he be placed in a world similar to that of the NES classic, Kung Fu. Some of you may be wondering why such a place would be considered dangerous for a man who has definitely had his share of battles and won so many of them in his time on Family Guy. Well, because there is one enemy in Kung Fu who isn’t looking to just inflict pain and punishment to you on an ordinary, mundane level. He is a man who is looking to hit you directly in the kneecap with his random stick of doom, and if you’re Peter Griffin, having a good day, singing “Bird Is The Word” you’re not thinking that around the corner could be the end to your good day, leaving you on the ground looking something like this and sounding like, well if you follow the show you know the sound Peter makes when he gets hit in the knee. It’s not pretty, folks, but random stick of doom guy doesn’t care.
I feel your pain, Peter.
I’d like to take this a step further and say not only do I really love the picture of Peter Griffin holding his knee, I REALLY love the fact that this vile villain could have made the choice to attack any limb on your character’s body, but chose to focus on the knees, which is just sound strategy as far as I’m concerned. Oh, and don’t go spouting all this nonsense that the attack is cheap because your character is the same goofy guy using sweeps against people who are just trying to do a poorly choreographed conga line. Don’t deny it, generic Kung Fu guy, there’s plenty of photographic evidence out there on Google to support my theory. If Tito from Rocket Power were here, he’d say something about how the Ancient Hawaiians once said something about coconuts, birds, and sun tan lotion in regards to how if you kick poorly organized dancers in the shin, you will in turn get clubbed, Big Boss Man style, in the knee.
Trust me, The Big Boss Man doesn’t care either..nor do his sunglasses.
If you don’t think there’s karma in video games, I suggest you take a closer look. Just don’t get too close if you value your right or left patella.
HAHAHAHA, I HIT YOU IN KNEE, THEN HEAD, MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE ELVIS..FAT ELVIS!
When tasked to come up with something fresh, innovative, and Michael Kelso approved (begrudgingly or not) it is easy to forget something I love about a classic NES game that’s right there in front of me the whole time, and there is no game in the vast Nintendo universe more iconic, more deserving of the term classic than the original Super Mario Bros. Stories of this game are told far and wide, and yet for all the fanfare the game gets, there’s one thing that is conveniently overlooked. No, this isn’t about Atari Man’s love of Luigi’s green facial hair when it’s time for him to start shooting fire, nor is it about Bowser’s never changing creeper face that desperately tries to lure kids into an unmarked van with promises of candy and the latest Octonauts toy. There’s one thing I love the most about this game, one thing that deserves it’s own Real Men Of Genius type commercial, and it isn’t even something that’s entirely game related.
Super Mario Bros, dear readers, was one of the most notable circumstances where lazy developers still had their moment to shine, when being bored with tedious tasks was still rewarded, because it was 1985, and no one really cared to argue. If you don’t believe your friendly, neighborhood Atari Man, all you have to do when playing this classic platform game is to look up, and then look back down.
Hi there, just letting you know ANYTHING is possible.-Cloudbush
That’s right, the clouds and the bushes are the same shape, same design, just different colors. While I’m certain there are far more accurate reasons as to why this happened, I think I’m worthy enough to put my own spin on things. Yes, Atari Man loves lazy developers, because they give birth to things like this, Pac-Man on the Atari 2600, and every religious themed game in the history of everything. Oh sure, one could just slap the word prototype at the end of the game, but it takes a real man with big A and B buttons to just put something out there regardless of how sloppy it looks, but hey, what did you guys and gals expect the day the bushes and clouds were created, something by Michelangelo? It’s hard to do when you had the most successful and yet drunken night at the karaoke bar in your entire life!
That’s the spirit, random pink sweater chick!
Besides, let’s be honest with ourselves here, haven’t we all had our moments where we wished the bushes and the clouds were the same colors, the same textures, the same amount of ozone depletion and Edward Scissorhands precision? Wow, imagine that, Johnny Depp in full on creepy guy mode making the clouds look even more appealing than a Bob Ross painting (That was for you, Aaron Hickman!)
I am in no way associated with this article OR Retro Obscura. Leave my spirit alone, Hickman.
Now I know what you’re thinking as you sit there in your Legend Of Zelda t-shirt, eating some Doritos, and wishing you had a cold Crystal Pepsi to wash it down with, why would anybody want to honor sheer laziness in the video game industry? Well because friends, we all still blindly do it every holiday season or whenever a brand new game comes out, because let’s face it, nothing really is brand new anymore, now is it? I’m not one for waxing philosophy (and even less hardwood floors, you can ask my fiancée, Kathy) but games are never 100% ready to go like they used to be, and while some people may try to cover the collective butts of their favorite video game companies by saying that they just had so many ideas that couldn’t have made it into the game in time for release, we know what’s really happening, now don’t we? Of course we do. Probably something that involves way too much high carb snacks and binge watching Orange Is The New Black. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
So why does Atari Man love lazy developers if there’s nothing honorable in being lazy? Well even though I’m not for being lazy at all, it’s bad for your health and may even cause tooth decay (I know, Rob, I know) I am most definitely in favor of doing the least amount of work and still looking impressive and worthy of accolades despite that little nagging factor of being as efficient as a garden slug (of the none Ducktales drunken variety) Can you really blame developers of games like Super Mario Bros for being looked at as video game gods despite the fact that REAL video game gods know the difference between a bush and a cloud?
I’ve only heard of one god-like bush, and he sang one killer “She’ll Be Comin’ Round The Mountain”.
Seriously, hats off to you guys, and be sure to sing another killer public domain song Friday night at Wong’s Wings And Karaoke Bar for me. You guys are awesome!
ANOTHER PATREON PICK! It is officially the attack of the Patreon picks and the dudes could not be happier about that either. This week however, Dude Justin is on the sidelines with a sick Dudette but never fear Dude Micheal is joined by Hon. Dude George for this week.
The game being played was a bit of a cult classic RPG The Bard’s Tale. The game has been received with mixed reviews and there are mixed reviews on the podcast (Spoiler alert).
The Bard’s tale can be a fun and enjoyable but very detailed game. So listen to this episode to hear what the Dudes have to say.
Retrofitted Trophies
Mario you greedy SOB
Another 300 Gold down the drain
Billboard Top 100
Platinum Record
You May Advance
Bullseye
Is That All You’ve Got
Gimme That Grammy
Game Rating
A song:
Spaceman by the Killers
Earned It by The Weekend
Behind The Scenes Look
Shout Outs!
2 Dudes and a NES 