Riki’s Stanky Feet

Atari Man here, and you know something, there’s nothing I love more than blatantly obvious jokes, and no, that’s not what this article is about, the fact I love blatantly obvious jokes. It is however about a blatantly obvious joke in relation to the game Adventures Of Dino Riki, another one of those silly games (Hey) Justin and (Hey) Michael are subjecting me to, albeit indirectly as I bring you, my legions of fans (all 12 of you) something I love about Dino Riki, and trust me this is actually something you’re going to want to pay attention to, even before you pop that cartridge into your trusty NES. Like I said, this is about a blatantly obvious joke, and if you look at the artwork on your Dino Riki cartridge you might be smart enough to figure out what this blatantly obvious joke is. Still looking? Times up!

You see, this is one of the many struggles of being me, Atari Man, because while the rest of the world just sees a colorful and action packed piece of artwork on this cartridge, I see a lesson in personal hygiene. Now look, before you lock me up with that one guy who brushes his teeth 5 times a day (and that’s just what’s been recorded at Guinness) allow me to elaborate. Sure, it looks like Riki here, with his spiked hair no caveman has ever been documented on record of having is simply delivering a flying kick that would make the likes of Billy and Jimmy Lee jealous, when in fact we don’t see the dinosaurs backing off because of the power of said kick. But Atari Man, just look at that comic book style explosion graphic near him, surely the kick was enough to send a shockwave through these dinosaurs, thus creating yet another theory as to why they went extinct, right? Wrong, grasshoppers, because the dinosaurs aren’t being harmed by Riki’s powerful kick, they are being harmed by the powerful ODOR of Riki’s feet. Now I know I’m not a huge history buff, but chances are back in those days when cavemen and dinosaurs that were proven to never have had existed at the same time somehow did there was no Irish Spring soap. Heck, there wasn’t even an Irish spring to be found! Something also tells me despite his immortal powers and ability to curse any current NFL athlete by allowing them to grace the cover of his football games, John Madden also was absent with his giant can of (BOOM!) Tough Actin’ Tinactin for Athlete’s Foot, you know, because running from dinosaurs trying to kill you was an Olympic sport back then.

There’s some ninjas and bees in here, BOOM!

Think about it, what’s not to love about a guy who improvises and comes up with a new weapon to thus kill a dinosaur and bring the food home to his spikey haired cave people family? While the Joneses down a few caves are trying to find a new way to carve a more effective spear, Riki is simply dipping his already big nasty feet in ponds of dead fish, scum, and whatever was left over from the Fear Factory levels of Donkey Kong Country on the SNES. Who knows? He might even be mixing in some garbage from those terrible Toxic Avenger films and the remains of the first showing of Gigli with Ben Affleck and that Hispanic girl with the big..smile. I mean, if you’re going to take down a brontosaurus you need to bring out the big guns.

Did somebody say terrible movies and big guns, BUUUUUDDDDYY?

Dino Riki, you dino stink, and for that, Atari Man loves ya, just keep your nasty feet, complete with bunions, away from me. Hmm, maybe THIS is why the dinosaurs in all the Jurassic Park films are always so angry?

Ahem, excuse me good chap, could you kindly, oh I don’t know, WASH YOUR STANKY FEET, RAWWWWWRRR! Thank you. Good day!

Captain Jack Sparrow’s Grape Juice

Hey dudes and dudettes, Atari Man here. You know one of the things that never ceases to amaze me is how Kelso and Justin seem to keep selecting these games that I wouldn’t be caught dead playing. Like seriously, I’d rather play a Genesis game then some of these titles. I know, scary right? That being said, considering they seem to take some childish glee in making me play these blasted things so I can find something to center my article on I’d also like to say that ANOTHER thing that never ceases to amaze me is how so many retro games, especially those I cover, always seem to have something even more odd than the guy writing this as a focus, and if you don’t believe me, consider the following.

I had never heard of Bard’s Tale, but I vaguely recall being a wee lad on the mean streets of North Scranton (No, no, no, FOR THE LOVE OF GOOD NO OFFICE JOKES, STEPHENS!) and hearing about this game, somehow formulating in my tender mind that it was a text based game and thus cancer in the eyes of many children. That’s the thing about being Atari Man, kids, sometimes CEO Kelso with his fancy license plate and COO Justin with his gastrointestinal deficient pets make me knowingly go out and get cancer of the eyes with these games. I sit there, drink about 2 or 3 Redd’s Strawberry Ale (which are delicious) and wonder just what I did to make these two so angry. I mean, was it the impressions Aaron Hickman and I did of the 2 Dudes behind closed doors that were discovered? I mean, did they really have to call a meeting on us?

Kelso: “Hey Justin.”

Justin: “Yeah?”

Kelso: “Those two jerks were makin’ fun of our accents. That’s just not right.

Justin: “Yeah.”

Kelso: “Let’s make Nick play Bard’s Tale. That sounds really evil. I love license plates and homemade stuffing.”

Justin: “Yeah.”

I know the meaning behind those yeahs there Justin. There’s no need to shout. So as I always try to do, I tried to find some optimism, between the cushions of my couch, under Rob Luther’s hat, in between the biscuits of Landon Long’s favorite snack, but sadly I couldn’t find any, and the reason is simple. Bard’s Tale, like any game in its infancy, could have ended up being anything, and you’d think somebody in charge would come up with a killer idea as something that one day would get some kind of clever cult status among those who loyally played the game. So what did the creators of Bard’s Tale come up with that was on the lips of every gamer?

Wow..just..wow.

It seems that in the world of Bard’s Tale there’s a seemingly endless shortage of grape juice, and reasons are never truly explained. Certainly one could surmise that perhaps there was a recall of them, it happens all the time with everything from children’s car seats, to even bottled water, so grape juice certainly wouldn’t be immune to such a thing now would it? It seemed whenever I started to get a handle on the game, or at least somewhat appreciate it, this message of woe would appear and I would curse the people at Welch’s, and seriously they have had the cutest kids in their commercials since the invention of child actors.

This is the stuff that’s always gone in Bard’s Tale, yo. It’s like gold, my brother, like gold! Yeah, I gave him a NYC street vendor voice, so what?

What’s more is that if you are one of the lucky ones to actually FIND grape juice in this bizarre world of Bard’s Tale, it is so highly sought after that the people living in this place are paranoid to the point where they have to sip their purple nectar of the gods in private. I’m serious.

So for those of you keeping score, the only good grape juice is the kind you drink nervously while looking over your shoulder in your own cellar, hoping you don’t get shanked by an old man mistaking it for prune juice.

So why is grape juice in such short supply? After careful research and another Redd’s Strawberry Ale I can finally sum it all up in three words-Captain Jack Sparrow. The poor guy hasn’t been in a movie in years, AND he’s run out of rum, with no wine or spirits store in sight, so what’s a guy to do? Well, he needs to find a new drink of choice, and the delusional pirate has chosen grape juice, but not just any grape juice, Bard’s Tale grape juice, which must contain like 7 daily vitamins and minerals, as well as the ability to create more space in the minds of its drinkers to store vital information you need to do things like sneak into the Pentagon and make string cheese at home.

I’m sorry, but did somebody say vital information?

One might feel sorry for the poor people of Bard’s Tale, having to go to crazy lengths to protect their grape juice, or worse yet, having to find a store within reasonable driving distance to find some, but you know what, I don’t feel sorry for these jerks at all, and you want to know why?

There’s only 3 golden rules in life, people, just 3..

1)Be kind to your neighbor.

2)Put the seat back down if you’re married and value your life.

3)NEVER steal a pirate’s favorite drink.

I mean, I know rule #2 is pretty hard for some, but #3? Seriously, Bard’s Tale villagers, you had ONE JOB.

Good for you, Jack Sparrow, sneaking into the ADT protected cellars of these neurotic nutjobs. For once in your life you’re not the one asking “Where did all the rum go?” and why, because you’ve moved onto a healthier alternative all while terrorizing people who really do need to lighten up and stop hoarding all the grape juice. I salute you, Jack Sparrow, just let me get my glass of..

“Looking for something, mate?”

You sneaky, sneaky pirate. Well done.

Mr. Dink’s Yo-Yos

My mother still treats me like I’m 9. As we speak I am sitting at my parents’ house making sure their 10-year-old little dog Rocky doesn’t bite one of the kind workers who are putting in a new back porch and I almost feel like I’m a child and she’s telling me “Now, Nicholas, not everything in the world is funny.” You’re right, Mom. Guys, my mom is right. You can’t just slap a picture on 2 Dudes And A NES and then through the magic of the Internet it becomes this sensationally hilarious thing.

Ok, so that’s pretty funny.

However, it is certainly worth noting that I don’t just wake up with these ideas in my head. It takes time, patience, a whole lot of snack foods, 90s music, and meditation in front of my Retro Junkies shrine (complete with Rob brushing his teeth and Landon chowing down on a chicken biscuit standing back to back) for me to get a clear mind, a clear soul, and might I add clear skin without the use of Adam Levine?

“I just couldn’t believe it. He looked right at me, said “You’re a poor man’s Rob Luther!”, and then hit me with a sugar bomb.”

I’ve been trying my best to go through the back catalog of episodes here on 2 Dudes after a long hiatus, and I realized a few things:

-There’s NO way I’m covering all these games. Sorry, peeps, but a guy has to eat, sleep, and dream of a world where Kanye West doesn’t exist.
-Kelso has one of the best voices NEVER to be in an episode of The Dukes Of Hazzard, with Justin as a close second.
-Some of the games that I thought would be difficult to create material for have actually been pretty easy, such is the case of what I LOVE today.

Just as I have so many great memories about classic NES titles, I also have those moments where I shook my head and wondered what the big deal was about a game, even as a kid. I can still vividly remember kids at school talking about Rygar and how great it was. Who was I to argue? I was quite the poor child in some aspects, especially in the realm of video games, so like any deprived kid I figured I was missing something until the day arrived that I got to put that glorious Rygar cartridge into my trusty NES and see just what all the hub-bub (great term, use it, guys) was about. I can still remember the very first question I asked myself when playing Rygar, as clear as day.

“Why is he using a yo-yo to attack people?”

Which was followed by a whole queue of questions, ranging from:

“Where did he get the yo-yo?”

“Is it a Duncan yo-yo?”

“If it isn’t Duncan, is it one of those Ding-A-Ling ones with the commercial that makes me and all my friends laugh?”

“Is that creepy guy in the cave his father? Did he get him the yo-yo for being a good boy at the mall?”

“Why do enemies disappear? Are they afraid of the yo-yo?”

You can now tell why I am the person you know today. While kids were worrying about things like fruit snacks, Saturday morning cartoons, and scented markers, I was tackling the big issues, like why Rygar was ever a game to begin with. That being said I’ve finally discovered the main reason this game DID come to pass, and it can be summed up in two words.

Mr. Dink.

“Heyuk, what’s the matter? Expecting someone less purple and handsome?”

Whenever you’re someone looking for something incredibly overpriced (VERY EXPENSIVE) that really has very little purpose, then Dink is your man. Would he really pass up the opportunity to provide this warrior with the latest and greatest in yo-yo weapon technology? Of course not!

So while I want to hate Rygar, I can’t, if only because of Bud Dink’s kind donation of some VERY EXPENSIVE yo-yos. How Dink obtains the money for this or any of this million other gadgets is still in question (I believe he sells drugs, but that’s for another article) but what definitely isn’t would be how naked this warrior would feel going to battle without his trusty high powered Mr Dink Yo-Yo Of Doom courtesy of Bluffco Industries.

I wonder if it had a catchy and highly questionable jingle?

Wait..they made robots? This changes everything!

Peter Griffin’s Hurt Knee

My journey to 2 Dudes And A NES was no walk in the park, it was an arduous journey that would make Homer’s Odyssey look like a play date at Chuck E. Cheese. Actually, that’s pretty dangerous too now that I think of it, all those kids, the germs, the cheese, creepy mascots and terrible arcade games that are no real fun at all. My point is that I am grateful to be here among you, because somehow the great retro video game gods in the sky, just to the left of where Rob Luther stores his endless supply of spin brushes and Crest 3D whitening strips it was decided that I would come here, to grace you all with nonsensical shenanigans that make you stand up, cheer, and perhaps even do an interpretative dance in response to a song that doesn’t even have a dance for it. Would you like a suggestion? Ace Of Base’s “I Saw The Sign” because pointing to a sign and acting like you have to pee sounds pretty simple to me.

Hmm, maybe there already was an Ace Of Base created interpretive dance?

Let’s say, however, that you’re not as crafty, cunning, and elusive as your favorite Retro Junkies scribe? Perhaps on your journey here to the 2 Dudes And A NES website you encounter an enemy so awful, so vile, you’d almost think they were designed with the failure of your journey in mind. Such is the case for one Peter Griffin should he be placed in a world similar to that of the NES classic, Kung Fu. Some of you may be wondering why such a place would be considered dangerous for a man who has definitely had his share of battles and won so many of them in his time on Family Guy. Well, because there is one enemy in Kung Fu who isn’t looking to just inflict pain and punishment to you on an ordinary, mundane level. He is a man who is looking to hit you directly in the kneecap with his random stick of doom, and if you’re Peter Griffin, having a good day, singing “Bird Is The Word” you’re not thinking that around the corner could be the end to your good day, leaving you on the ground looking something like this and sounding like, well if you follow the show you know the sound Peter makes when he gets hit in the knee. It’s not pretty, folks, but random stick of doom guy doesn’t care.

I feel your pain, Peter.

I’d like to take this a step further and say not only do I really love the picture of Peter Griffin holding his knee, I REALLY love the fact that this vile villain could have made the choice to attack any limb on your character’s body, but chose to focus on the knees, which is just sound strategy as far as I’m concerned. Oh, and don’t go spouting all this nonsense that the attack is cheap because your character is the same goofy guy using sweeps against people who are just trying to do a poorly choreographed conga line. Don’t deny it, generic Kung Fu guy, there’s plenty of photographic evidence out there on Google to support my theory. If Tito from Rocket Power were here, he’d say something about how the Ancient Hawaiians once said something about coconuts, birds, and sun tan lotion in regards to how if you kick poorly organized dancers in the shin, you will in turn get clubbed, Big Boss Man style, in the knee.

Trust me, The Big Boss Man doesn’t care either..nor do his sunglasses.

If you don’t think there’s karma in video games, I suggest you take a closer look. Just don’t get too close if you value your right or left patella.

HAHAHAHA, I HIT YOU IN KNEE, THEN HEAD, MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE ELVIS..FAT ELVIS!

Lazy Developers

When tasked to come up with something fresh, innovative, and Michael Kelso approved (begrudgingly or not) it is easy to forget something I love about a classic NES game that’s right there in front of me the whole time, and there is no game in the vast Nintendo universe more iconic, more deserving of the term classic than the original Super Mario Bros. Stories of this game are told far and wide, and yet for all the fanfare the game gets, there’s one thing that is conveniently overlooked. No, this isn’t about Atari Man’s love of Luigi’s green facial hair when it’s time for him to start shooting fire, nor is it about Bowser’s never changing creeper face that desperately tries to lure kids into an unmarked van with promises of candy and the latest Octonauts toy. There’s one thing I love the most about this game, one thing that deserves it’s own Real Men Of Genius type commercial, and it isn’t even something that’s entirely game related.

Super Mario Bros, dear readers, was one of the most notable circumstances where lazy developers still had their moment to shine, when being bored with tedious tasks was still rewarded, because it was 1985, and no one really cared to argue. If you don’t believe your friendly, neighborhood Atari Man, all you have to do when playing this classic platform game is to look up, and then look back down.

Hi there, just letting you know ANYTHING is possible.-Cloudbush

That’s right, the clouds and the bushes are the same shape, same design, just different colors. While I’m certain there are far more accurate reasons as to why this happened, I think I’m worthy enough to put my own spin on things. Yes, Atari Man loves lazy developers, because they give birth to things like this, Pac-Man on the Atari 2600, and every religious themed game in the history of everything. Oh sure, one could just slap the word prototype at the end of the game, but it takes a real man with big A and B buttons to just put something out there regardless of how sloppy it looks, but hey, what did you guys and gals expect the day the bushes and clouds were created, something by Michelangelo? It’s hard to do when you had the most successful and yet drunken night at the karaoke bar in your entire life!

That’s the spirit, random pink sweater chick!

Besides, let’s be honest with ourselves here, haven’t we all had our moments where we wished the bushes and the clouds were the same colors, the same textures, the same amount of ozone depletion and Edward Scissorhands precision? Wow, imagine that, Johnny Depp in full on creepy guy mode making the clouds look even more appealing than a Bob Ross painting (That was for you, Aaron Hickman!)

I am in no way associated with this article OR Retro Obscura. Leave my spirit alone, Hickman.

Now I know what you’re thinking as you sit there in your Legend Of Zelda t-shirt, eating some Doritos, and wishing you had a cold Crystal Pepsi to wash it down with, why would anybody want to honor sheer laziness in the video game industry? Well because friends, we all still blindly do it every holiday season or whenever a brand new game comes out, because let’s face it, nothing really is brand new anymore, now is it? I’m not one for waxing philosophy (and even less hardwood floors, you can ask my fiancée, Kathy) but games are never 100% ready to go like they used to be, and while some people may try to cover the collective butts of their favorite video game companies by saying that they just had so many ideas that couldn’t have made it into the game in time for release, we know what’s really happening, now don’t we? Of course we do. Probably something that involves way too much high carb snacks and binge watching Orange Is The New Black. I’ve seen it a hundred times.

So why does Atari Man love lazy developers if there’s nothing honorable in being lazy? Well even though I’m not for being lazy at all, it’s bad for your health and may even cause tooth decay (I know, Rob, I know) I am most definitely in favor of doing the least amount of work and still looking impressive and worthy of accolades despite that little nagging factor of being as efficient as a garden slug (of the none Ducktales drunken variety) Can you really blame developers of games like Super Mario Bros for being looked at as video game gods despite the fact that REAL video game gods know the difference between a bush and a cloud?

I’ve only heard of one god-like bush, and he sang one killer “She’ll Be Comin’ Round The Mountain”.

Seriously, hats off to you guys, and be sure to sing another killer public domain song Friday night at Wong’s Wings And Karaoke Bar for me. You guys are awesome!

The Acceptance Of Random Child Lifting

To those who know me, and be thankful you’re not one of these unfortunate souls, I am quite the strange person (Can you tell?) but not just for the reasons that are quite evident. I am also a strange person in that a lot of the NES series that have that one game that is considered the definitive game in the series is often the one I don’t like, instead becoming an avid fan of that one game that is usually universally regarded as the black sheep or worst entry in the franchise’s illustrious history. In no situation is this more true than in my blatant disregard for the grandeur that is the original Legend Of Zelda, tossing all it’s fanfare aside like a used tissue in favor of one of my all time favorite childhood games, Zelda II: Adventure Of Link, a game that is as polarizing as Tim Tebow, and if you can’t agree with that, please, view exhibit A!

“Dur, what does polarizing mean? TEBOW TIME!”

I’ve given many reasons I find logical about my love of this game, but this isn’t about those logical ones. This is about the one reason that gets me about as much attention as Rob Luther after a dental exam, Nick Stephens at a Barry White tribute concert, or Landon Long at a chicken biscuit eating contest, and that would be, of course, the acceptance of random child lifting. What’s that? Not catching what Tim Tebow is throwing? Surely we all know about Link and his patented item excitement lift technique that was later blatantly copied by a bunch of weird people who think Little Caesars is as popular as it was in the 90s, without even filling out the legal Hyrulian documents, but I digress.

Admit it, you played the Ocarina Of Time item ditty in your head upon seeing this. Don’t lie to a woman holding a dachshund in the air, it’s bad luck.

Well while there are certainly some questionable items Link has lifted over the years, perhaps none as perplexing and borderline a CPA violation than the random child he lifts in Zelda II. If you think there’s nothing wrong with this scenario, please allow me to show you exhibit B!

There’s a reason Hyrule children are told not to talk to strangers, because they may get lifted into the air, turned into an item, and becoming a citizen of a Peter Pan impersonator’s pocket for all eternity. I mean just look at this kid’s terrified face!

You may be wondering how an honorable human being like myself could love seemingly the abduction of poorly dressed cave children by a guy with pointy ears and a sword that shoots laser beams, but before you put me on trial, my reason for loving this is the fact that this was all considered acceptable by Nintendo, a company that was supposedly built on wholesome family fun and good taste. That’s where the humor comes in, not in the children running from Link as he yells out “Get in my pocket!” with a certain Austin Powers’ villain’s accent.

To the children of Hyrule, take some quick advice from your ol’ pal Atari Man..

Run, children, run!

About the author:

Atari Man is a 33-year-old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.

Drunken Slugs

Being Atari Man comes with little perks. Oh sure, seemingly everyone knows you, a rainbow follows you wherever you go, and you always seem to have enough tokens when you go to an arcade, but other than that, the rigors of being one of Retro Junkies most beloved scribes comes with little fanfare, as once you get some fresh air, see the rising of the sun, and have your breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, you are once again whipped into submission by the likes of Michael Kelso, Aaron Hickman, and whoever happens to have a whip handy to remind you that those articles won’t write themselves, and something about denying you that autographed Crest 3D toothpaste carton promised to you by Papa Luther, but you can never be sure what you heard, because the door to your tiny office is closed once more and back you go to the grind of a blogger/journalist/Genesis loathing superhero. What is a man of your caliber of humor to do in such a situation? Why, find something cute to stare at for hours, of course!

Now keep in mind, dear reader, I am not someone who panders at cute puppies or has their heart melt when some other animal out in nature does something adorable. I am the kind of person who loves ugly things, things so ugly they’re cute in their vain attempt to look like a normal member of planet Earth, and these are not creatures limited to our real world, oh no, they also exist in video games, which is exemplified to the furthest extent by a member of the cast of enemies in the classic NES title, Ducktales.

What’s that you say? You know of no such cute and ugly creature? Well I’m afraid you’re not looking close enough, gamers, because underneath the greed and creepy Scottish accent of Scrooge McDuck, just to the left of the careless shenanigans of Huey, Dewey, and Louie lies a creature so adorably ugly, so heartwarmingly hideous that I can only thank the two people responsible for its birth in the video game world, the people at Capcom, and of course, Barney from The Simpsons, because, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, step right up and see just what Atari Man loves so much. I give you the Drunken Slug.

Aww, don’t you just want to tickle him and pray he doesn’t get any Sam Adams Summer Ale induced vomit on your shoes?

Oh no, don’t try to deter me or squash my preconceived notions here, folks. Clearly this slug is drunk. Just look at those eyes, all googly and glazed over, the face contorted in this cute and yet highly intoxicated smile, and for crying out loud, he isn’t even wearing clothes! Why Capcom, Duckberg Police, or the NASS (National Association of Sober Slugs) hasn’t jumped all over this guy is beyond me. My assumption would be, like all forms of government and social services, the paperwork was lost somewhere or their computer systems are down.

Now look, it’s 2015, so surely we can look past the shortcomings of a guy who is just trying to live his life without having to look over his shoulder for things like pogo sticks, birds, and of course, large shakers of salt, but can we really turn a blind eye to someone in such trouble?

Why of course we can! Because if history has taught us anything it is that in the same way an old college friend was hilarious bumping into doors and falling on their face after having too much to drink, that’s the same way the Drunken Slug can be looked at, with a smile and a head shake of disbelief that like the kid who never got his Associate’s Degree because of falling into a recycling bin, we admire the courage of a drunken slug who is still trying to make a living. We also admire the fact he hasn’t puked on anyone’s shoes yet.

Maybe he slurs his words. Maybe he’ll never find clothes to wear and start a slug nudist colony. Maybe he’s even so drunk sometimes he thinks he’s a cow, but one thing that cannot be denied is that I love my buddy, the Drunken Slug, and it really is a shame that we live in a world where a bunch of crazy looking rabbits who could use some Ritalin to calm the hell down can get their own video game, but a guy with a hilarious substance abuse problem can’t. What is this world coming to, anyways?
Until then, the Drunken Slug will just crawl into Tapper’s and order himself a few rounds, to drown the sorrows of not being looked at as anything special by the general public. But I want you to know something, my alcoholic little friend, and it is important that you listen and listen close. Do slugs even have ears? Whatever.

There’s one man out there who loves you just the way you are, slurring your words and lack of equilibrium aside, and he thinks not only are you special, but you’re so adorable I’d rather watch a 3 minute video of you on Facebook before I see another tumbling panda bear any day of the week, and that man is me, Atari Man.

Don’t patronize me, panda.

So eat, drink, and be merry, my little friend. You’ve earned it. Just please, don’t “break the seal” all over my new carpet, I just had it shampooed.

About the author:

Meatball Monsters

Astyanax was a game I didn’t get excited about when I first heard the name as a kid. It could have been because I had a hard time spelling it, or because I thought it was some kind of food fungus ointment, kind of like Tinactin, only without the boom and inflated face of John Madden.

BOOM! TOUGH ACTIN’ ASTYANAX FOR ALL YOUR MYTHOLOGICAL INSPIRED FOOT FUNGUS!

However, as Michael Kelso tends to you, he gives me a game that I care so little about and makes me care about it, usually unintentionally, or promising me lavish gifts like a box of Slim Jims so I can practice my Macho Man impression or a signed copy of a box of Crest 3D toothpaste signed by the god of dental hygiene himself, Rob Luther. Astyanax is one of those games that requires a few tries before you can really appreciate it, or in my case, chuckle at what you’re seeing. In the case of today’s article, the focus here is on ordinary things are in this game if you really stop to strip it all done to the bare bones. However, in doing so, you’re left with a lot of questions, but fortunately, your ol’ pal Atari Man, he has all the answers for you.

A day in the life of young Roche consists of waking up in some dingy, dark, dank, probably cold(did the Greeks ever think of paying their heating bills? What, they can have a “big fat” wedding, but they can’t make sure Roche isn’t so freezing he has to pull out his heavy footie pajamas?) and putting on an outfit that not only looks silly in general, but looks like something created by the dual efforts of Big Van Vader and Grimace from The McDonald’s commercials. Is Roche really the mysterious 1980s wrestler The Purple Nurple???

SMELL MY ARMPIT! IT’S TIME, IT’S TIME, IT’S PURPLE NURPLE SUIT TIME!!!

Speaking of this outfit, and the physical makeup of this kid in general, how does he go from looking like a punching bag for most people in the cut scenes to somebody who could DDT every monster he faces? I’m consulting with Zeus for a drug screening. I mean, you can’t really blame Roche for this, it’s his silly parents pressuring him into doing this stuff. What’s the meaning of all of this anyways?

As bad as you might feel for Roche, as far as the silly outfit and parental peer pressure to look like the next Brock Lesnar, I DON’T feel bad for the fact his axe sounds like it couldn’t cut through a block of cheese, never mind an enemy, but hey, if you’re a brash kid who gets this fire axe from God and doesn’t return it, you get what’s coming to you. Did he listen to all of God’s instructions? No, of course not! That’s kids these days, always grabbing mystical fire axes and running off without finding out how it works, what the warranty is on it, and walking all over my prize Carolina blue grass, well guess what, pal, next time I see you on my lawn I’ll-

Wait, where was I going with that?

It’s a good thing that for all the bologna(and it’s not even fresh) that’s going on in this game, with young whippersnappers taking steroids, wearing ugly suits, and using a fire axe unsupervised, it’s a good thing that there’s something in this game I love so much, it helps me look past the glaring parental miscues from Roche’s folks, and the fact people are dumb enough to find courage in some random teenager and his axe of flame. Come on, finding courage in inanimate objects. What’s next? People harnessing energy from their mouth?

Nobody asked you, Rob.

Two words, meatball monsters.

Oh no, this isn’t Atari Man having some kind of nightmare that just so happened to arrive after eating a meatball sub, this is the one monster that shows up in the game, first dropping(or is it spinning?) down, looking like a big brown meatball. This is no ordinary meatball, it’s one that turns into what appears to be a two headed monster. Be afraid, be very afraid! For never in the history of man has there EVER been a two headed monster that’s brought good news, joy, and happiness! That’s right, Roche, say your prayers, because there’s NOTHING that can save you now, not even your fire butter knife! A two-headed monster! How merciless! How evil! How-

Sigh. I give up.

Spoiler Alert! Roche beats the two headed meatball monster with the power of Sesame Street, and just a little dash of grated parmesan cheese.

About the author:

Blue Haired Trumpeters

Michael Kelso is a really trusting guy as it relates to what I post on this fine website. Well, it’s either that or he leads such a boring life that something I find particularly funny or interesting entertains him. Seriously, Kelso, go out and get some sun or something, your life is a precious thing to be wasting on the futile efforts of Atari Man to bring such hilarity to the masses. Fine, suit yourself, but when your license plate goes missing I don’t want to hear anything. I digress. Once again, Michael has tasked me with playing a game I’ve never played on the NES before, nor had any intentions of playing ever, in Defender Of The Crown.

Now look, I get the whole appeal of this game. It was cool to play this way before Robin Hood: Men In Tights came onto the scene, and even before Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick were enjoying a battle at Medieval Times, but I think, in retrospect, most of us who did play this title will soon realize it isn’t the swordplay, the jousting, or anything else featured in this game that truly steals the show and gives us that epic adventure we were longing for as children. No, friends, not since the days of King Arthur has there been quite an interesting musical act quite like..

The blue haired trumpeters.

Why is their hair blue? There’re many speculations really, everything from them being a mysterious race of humans who mated with Smurfs or are of some direct descent from them. Other people think this is how the group Blue Man Group was formed, which is another strong theory. Neither theory can be proven, however. My opinion is that once again more foes fell to the trickery of one Latrine of the Robin Hood: Men In Tights movie after refusing to help her gain the affections of The Sheriff Of Rottingham. They were punished by losing their golden locks and replacing them with what appear to be heads of 7 Eleven Slurpees. Whichever theory you subscribe to, the important thing here is to know that back in those days, as the direct descendant of the rapper Snoop Dogg, Snoopus Maximus once said, and I quote, “There ain’t no party like a blue hair party, cuz a blue hair party don’t stop.” He may have also unnecessary thrown in a letter G as well. I don’t know. I wasn’t there, now was I? Get off my back, woman!

Ahem. It does beg the question, how much more money would Robin Hood movies grossed had these blue-haired little weirdos been in the films? Would people care less about whether Robin Hoods could speak with an English accent? Would townspeople care less about their villages being burned down in the name of Mel Brooks? As a fellow trumpeter, I can tell you, it’s not an easy job sounding that good, and I can say with certainty that a large portion of Defender Of The Crown sales should have been spent trying to find a cure for middle age blue hair, but sadly, it never was.

No friends, the people at Defender Of The Crown thought it was more beneficial to create scenes where a knight in full armor stands looking out onto the crowd, with nothing but an empty elementary school flag pole as a weapon.

I pledge allegiance to the blue haired people of medieval England.

About the author:

Project Z.A.P. aka Hyperion

As a young gamer, one of my greatest joys was uncovering an Easter egg in a game, or perhaps a glitch, something that wasn’t always intended to be found, sometimes something to benefit your adventurous search, or other times when it was simply the calling card left from a disgruntled programmer. It really didn’t matter to me, because I felt like I was a part of something special, something secretive. I’m pretty good at keeping secrets by the way, unless, of course, there’s a bowl of mashed potatoes or Angry Beavers merchandise involved, in which case, I’m sorry, but I’m spilling the beans. Today’s Atari Man Loves features a game I’m sure you’ve all heard of from the vast annals of video game history, a little ditty I like to call Hyperion.

What’s that? You never heard of Hyperion? Well, that’s no surprise really, as most of us diehard NES fans have only just heard of it recently. Turns out one day, many moons ago, when Nintendo was hopping with testers and game counselors working their butts off to make sure products were swell (and better than anything Sega could produce-zing!) they were tasked with reaching a certain quota. In the case of counselors, it was the amount of gamers they assisted, testers of course, testing a certain amount of games. Should one complete this task they were given a pretty sweet gift, a cartridge copy of Hyperion. Only those people employed by Nintendo in either of these jobs had a chance to get this title, and even then, only if they reached their quota. Talk about unlocking items and trophies! Hyperion can only be described by some as an arcade style Mega Man, but that’s a pretty vague description. What is known is it kept a high score and had no real story as far as the levels went. You blasted your way through as you needed to, and relied on your hand-eye coordination for jumps along the way.

Still lost? Allow me to elaborate. Hyperion was an early title for Nintendo, a prototype created by gaming genius Yoshi Sakamoto, the brains behind the title Gumshoe, and better-known title he created after it, maybe you heard of it, Metroid. It was to utilize both control ports in the NES, using both the Zapper gun and controller, but as a lot of geniuses are prone to do (and trust me, I would know) Sakamoto was ahead of his time, as very few games since prior to the market crash were brave enough to utilize two controllers. Sakamoto was insistent that this would help the NES stand out from the pack, but Nintendo was hesitant and thought North American gamers would have a difficult time adapting to the idea of using a Zapper and a controller at the same time. Testers and game counselors LOVED the game and would often play it, should they attain it, in between calls. Still, Nintendo just wasn’t convinced. Not wanting to let his ideas go to waste, Sakamoto pulled apart the nucleus of his idea and created two games. Care to guess what they were?

Gumshoe and Metroid!

Recently, Hyperion has been released on rom and the few sites that have it so far have already begun experiencing server problems from the sheer amount of feedback from diehard NES collectors who are doing the next best thing to mugging an old NES tester or breaking into the home of a NES game counselor.

So what do I love about Hyperion? I love anything that is the spark, the catalyst, to other games and pieces of video game history we are more familiar with. Any game can become a piece of history, but I think it’s easier to be the more popular ones. Even they had to begin somewhere though, and Hyperion, with it’s underrated soundtrack, tight controls, and innovative concept for the time, could have become something that we’d be talking about in the same breath as the game it loosely copied (before it even came out mind you, figure that out), Mega Man, or even The Legend Of Zelda, we’ll never really know.

What we do know is I need to wrap this up, because I haven’t played my daily dose of Hyperion today, and that’s just not a good day to be alive, I say.

About the author:

NES Kevin

So I never played Home Alone on the NES. Sue me. I was never really a big fan of the movies either, but I had a good reason. When I was a kid, I was constantly being compared to Kevin McAllister and asked by various family members to do his whole screaming bit, so it was almost like I wasn’t able to be myself because I had to be ready on cue for whenever anyone asked me to do that stupid scream. However, as in every case of Atari Man Loves, I had to find one thing about this game that I loved most of all, and I think, to keep with the theme of this article so far, I’m going to say, without question, it is the NES depiction of my childhood doppelganger.

For you see, dear readers, is it just me or is NES Kevin trying to tell us something? No, not that the coders are horrible, or the developers did a shoddy job of creating him, that goes without saying, but that in truth, the folks behind this game were all fascists nightmares (dressed like a daydream-high five Tay) who made it apparently clear that if you were going to be a sprite in their game you had to have a nearly identical hair and pants combo? For crying out loud, even his eyebrows and possibly his eyes are blonde! Blonde hair, blonde eyes, sounds pretty Gestapo to me. Why do dead German dictators have to ruin decent NES games? Don’t they have anything better to do, like the can-can or be used over and over again in YouTube videos complaining about some current event that they weren’t even alive to see happen?

I hate that Atari Man, always spoiling my plans for using Home Alone as Nazi propaganda!

Anyways, one thing NES Kevin does have going for him is an array of weapons. Oh no, I’m not talking about those little boxes you find as you go through the game. I’m talking about things like black shoes and a black shirt. That’s right, you blonde fascists, NES Kevin is still a human being and he’s going to let you know that by dressing like a combination beat poet/coffeehouse barista, and let me tell you something, he’s got some alliteration and a shot of espresso coming right at you, pal! More importantly than this show of individual freedom is NES Kevin’s ability to not only change his hairstyle and clothing (as seen when the Wet Bandits are caught) but judging by that scene alone, Kevin has the ability to change himself from a boy to what appears to be a 28-year-old blonde fascist who admires Lloyd Christmas’ haircut from Dumb and Dumber. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Let me ask you something, can Super Mario or Sonic do that? Can they go from wearing beatnik clothes to an ugly turtleneck while doubling their age? I think not!

I suppose I’d be excited too, looking older than I really am at the drop of a hat. Think of all the time saved you could be wasting making a fake ID.

So yes, NES Kevin, Atari Man loves your crazy hijinks, questionable spontaneous aging skills, and the ability to also change hairstyles and clothing at a whim long before The Sims was but a glimmer in the eyes of Maxis. I will salute you with a glass of chocolate milk, an old gangster movie, and by slapping Brut on my face and screaming…you know, like people used to ask me EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

…I hate you.

Sigh, it’s a tough gig being Atari Man.

About the author:

A Flurry Of Emotions

Here at the official 2 Dudes and a NES laboratories, we are constantly testing new theories and formulas to solve some of retro gaming’s toughest challenges, solving puzzles that would make the most hardcore Sudoku players squirm in discomfort, and we do it all for you. One such theory is the subject of today’s Atari Man Loves, in conjunction (junction, what’s your function?) with Dude Michael and Dude Justin discussing Super Mario Bros 2. Hold on. Let me set the mood with some somber Twilight Zone style music and lighting. Ok, that’s better.

Imagine if you will, a world where you are consistently trying to keep your footing, dodging these flying insect-like creatures with what appear to be pitchforks. Perhaps they are dairy farmers upset about the uproar over rising milk prices. However, as you do this there are these other creatures that scurry past you, sometimes falling into the icy sea below, as coordination and grace are not their strong suits. As they go past you, you think to yourself, “Man, I’m really hungry for some mashed potatoes right about now.”

Of course, this is when you remember what former John Adams High School graduate, current John Quincy Adams history teacher, and mashed potato connoisseur, Corey Matthews once said about mashed potatoes, “Don’t try to be mashed potatoes, they’re the best in the world at what they do.” Yes, I love what is known in Super Mario Bros 2 as a Flurry, supposedly a snowbound creature that’s all about tripping you up as you try to keep your footing in the icy tundra of World 4, but they are about as coordinated as a toddler; or a drunk..a drunk toddler?

I mean does anything that looks like a midget made out of mashed potatoes seem menacing and evil to you? I’ve been calling them mashed potato people since the game’s debut in 1988 and I see no reason to stop calling them that now. They’re just so cute and adorable, I wish they made stuffed animals of them so I could put them on a shelf somewhere, maybe squeeze them and have them say something about the many benefits of mashed potatoes.

To me, this whole thing with them being associated with the evil Wart shows that even the most adorable and innocent creatures can be led down the wrong path if they feel threatened. Want to hear my theory? Of course you do! Mashed potato people are obviously a peaceful race, used to bringing comfort and happiness to all those around them. Wart, the big jerk he is, probably still miserable over being denied all his royalty checks from his only appearance in a Super Mario Bros game, threatened to destroy the peaceful village of spuds with a mighty volcano of gravy, unless they pledged their allegiance to him. Thinking not only of their own safety and survival, but that of the countless people in America who love mashed potatoes as well as mashed potato looking people scurrying and sliding around on ice, they did the only thing they could, becoming evil snow lords for a big jerk who threatened to kill them with turkey gravy should they disobey him.

Today, on this, a month where we salute Irish people, Irish spring soap, public drunkenness during parades (I’m looking at you, Scranton), breakfast cereals that taste like cardboard and marshmallows, random rainbows, and of course, POTATOES, I salute you, the ones known as Flurries, because we all know who you really are. Beneath that snowy exterior beats the heart of a starchy soul who was willing to put it all on the line for the greater good. It brings a tear to my eyes just thinking about the sacrifices you made for us who love mashed potatoes. No wait, that’s not a tear, I was just cooking with onions.

Go, mashed potato people, be free. After 26 years, you deserve nothing better. Thank you for your service, and remember, we love you…

…with butter and chives. Mmmm.

About the author:

Atari Man is a 33 year old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.

The NES “Click”

Your favorite neighborhood Atari Man here, with a new series of articles direct to the 2 Dudes And A NES world, simply called “Atari Man Loves…” taking a look at some of those items of interest that we love about our beloved console as well as the games we play on it. Now certainly I’m not naïve to the fact that all the things I love may not be the same things you love, and that’s ok, but if nothing else I hope this articles shed some light on the things all of us as NES owners and collectors have thought about or even fallen in love with over the time we’ve had the NES in our lives. Today I’m going to begin with something that I feel is often overlooked but certainly deserves it’s fair share of attention, so sit back, relax, and think about what this Atari Man is saying about that glorious invention known as the NES!

In life, there are two distinct kinds of sounds, those that irritate, annoy, and perhaps make it impossible to sleep, your “nails on a chalkboard” type sound, and it really could mean a lot of different things to anyone out there in the universe. Dane Cook has gone on record as saying that these are the sounds that “make you want to punch a baby”, and while neither myself nor the fine folks here on this site would ever condone doing so, we are certain that there are sounds out there that make us want to scream.

Then there are those soothing sounds that can comfort anyone, even a fussy baby or a grumpy old person. For some people this is the sound of waves coming into the shore, or even a washing machine or dryer, but for this classic gamer and video game small business owner, it is without question the sound an NES makes when you click a cart into place.

Not sure what I mean? Allow me to elaborate. When an NES comes into my store, it is cleaned, taken apart, and the lock out chip is disabled to make it easier to get games to work. We do this as a courtesy to our customers. In addition, we also make sure that the 72 pin connector is in proper order, but sometimes the NES is a bit too tight in the area where you put the cart in, and thus some loosening of screws is in order, and if you get things just right, as in the case of my own personal NES console, the small click when the cart is seemingly in the perfect spot might as well be the most beautifully orchestrated masterpiece, as far as I’m concerned.

Keep in mind, not all NES consoles are capable of doing this. Some are simply worn out and beyond repair. However, in the right hands of someone with the time and patience to do so, and an NES is capable of creating something that would make the thinkers of the Renaissance Era jealous. That click, for me, might as well be a sigh of satisfaction, a declaration that all is right with the world and that we will continue on in the human race. While certainly other consoles, including the NES top loader model, may cause you less headaches, I think it’s the challenge of getting an original NES to work properly that makes this sweet little melody that much more lovable in the end.

Fewer headaches… less nostalgia

So dear readers and NES owners, take pride in the fact that while we live in a thankless world filled with machines that may need updates, downloads, and other such nuisances that rob us of our time and pleasure, the NES is still there, as faithful as always, to remind you what happens when contacts work together to make a spark and pure bliss fills your old tube television set. There’s a lot of things I love about my NES, and I’ll be delving into them in due time, but none perhaps more so than a simple clicking noise from my old friend to tell me “It’s ok, pal. I’ve gone and made everything that much more awesome. You’re welcome.”

About the author: