Being Atari Man comes with little perks. Oh sure, seemingly everyone knows you, a rainbow follows you wherever you go, and you always seem to have enough tokens when you go to an arcade, but other than that, the rigors of being one of Retro Junkies most beloved scribes comes with little fanfare, as once you get some fresh air, see the rising of the sun, and have your breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, you are once again whipped into submission by the likes of Michael Kelso, Aaron Hickman, and whoever happens to have a whip handy to remind you that those articles won’t write themselves, and something about denying you that autographed Crest 3D toothpaste carton promised to you by Papa Luther, but you can never be sure what you heard, because the door to your tiny office is closed once more and back you go to the grind of a blogger/journalist/Genesis loathing superhero. What is a man of your caliber of humor to do in such a situation? Why, find something cute to stare at for hours, of course!
Now keep in mind, dear reader, I am not someone who panders at cute puppies or has their heart melt when some other animal out in nature does something adorable. I am the kind of person who loves ugly things, things so ugly they’re cute in their vain attempt to look like a normal member of planet Earth, and these are not creatures limited to our real world, oh no, they also exist in video games, which is exemplified to the furthest extent by a member of the cast of enemies in the classic NES title, Ducktales.
What’s that you say? You know of no such cute and ugly creature? Well I’m afraid you’re not looking close enough, gamers, because underneath the greed and creepy Scottish accent of Scrooge McDuck, just to the left of the careless shenanigans of Huey, Dewey, and Louie lies a creature so adorably ugly, so heartwarmingly hideous that I can only thank the two people responsible for its birth in the video game world, the people at Capcom, and of course, Barney from The Simpsons, because, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, step right up and see just what Atari Man loves so much. I give you the Drunken Slug.
What’s that you say? You know of no such cute and ugly creature? Well I’m afraid you’re not looking close enough, gamers, because underneath the greed and creepy Scottish accent of Scrooge McDuck, just to the left of the careless shenanigans of Huey, Dewey, and Louie lies a creature so adorably ugly, so heartwarmingly hideous that I can only thank the two people responsible for its birth in the video game world, the people at Capcom, and of course, Barney from The Simpsons, because, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, step right up and see just what Atari Man loves so much. I give you the Drunken Slug.
Aww, don’t you just want to tickle him and pray he doesn’t get any Sam Adams Summer Ale induced vomit on your shoes?
Oh no, don’t try to deter me or squash my preconceived notions here, folks. Clearly this slug is drunk. Just look at those eyes, all googly and glazed over, the face contorted in this cute and yet highly intoxicated smile, and for crying out loud, he isn’t even wearing clothes! Why Capcom, Duckberg Police, or the NASS (National Association of Sober Slugs) hasn’t jumped all over this guy is beyond me. My assumption would be, like all forms of government and social services, the paperwork was lost somewhere or their computer systems are down.
Now look, it’s 2015, so surely we can look past the shortcomings of a guy who is just trying to live his life without having to look over his shoulder for things like pogo sticks, birds, and of course, large shakers of salt, but can we really turn a blind eye to someone in such trouble?
Why of course we can! Because if history has taught us anything it is that in the same way an old college friend was hilarious bumping into doors and falling on their face after having too much to drink, that’s the same way the Drunken Slug can be looked at, with a smile and a head shake of disbelief that like the kid who never got his Associate’s Degree because of falling into a recycling bin, we admire the courage of a drunken slug who is still trying to make a living. We also admire the fact he hasn’t puked on anyone’s shoes yet.
Maybe he slurs his words. Maybe he’ll never find clothes to wear and start a slug nudist colony. Maybe he’s even so drunk sometimes he thinks he’s a cow, but one thing that cannot be denied is that I love my buddy, the Drunken Slug, and it really is a shame that we live in a world where a bunch of crazy looking rabbits who could use some Ritalin to calm the hell down can get their own video game, but a guy with a hilarious substance abuse problem can’t. What is this world coming to, anyways?
Until then, the Drunken Slug will just crawl into Tapper’s and order himself a few rounds, to drown the sorrows of not being looked at as anything special by the general public. But I want you to know something, my alcoholic little friend, and it is important that you listen and listen close. Do slugs even have ears? Whatever.
There’s one man out there who loves you just the way you are, slurring your words and lack of equilibrium aside, and he thinks not only are you special, but you’re so adorable I’d rather watch a 3 minute video of you on Facebook before I see another tumbling panda bear any day of the week, and that man is me, Atari Man.
Don’t patronize me, panda.
So eat, drink, and be merry, my little friend. You’ve earned it. Just please, don’t “break the seal” all over my new carpet, I just had it shampooed.
About the author:
Atari Man is a 33-year-old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.
2 Dudes and a NES 