punchout

When someone got the fool notion that they wanted me to contribute something to this website, the very first retro-est memory that popped in to my head was Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. For some people, the first video game they remember is Mario. For some, it’s The Legend of Zelda. Well, my first video game memory is of an underage[1], underweight[2], underdog out of the Bronx looking to make it big in the World Video Boxing Association (WVBA).

[1] Seriously, Little Mac is 17.

[2] 107 pounds! I’ve owned dogs bigger than that.

Why does this game stick out? It’s not like it had a memorable story (criminally undersized kid punches people?)[3]. The graphics were solid for the 8-bit era, but nothing spectacular. No, the most memorable thing about this game is the characters you spend hours jabbing and uppercutting. As any Batman fan will tell you, the rogues’ gallery is the place where your imagination runs wild. Punch-Out gives you just enough details (height, weight, catchphrases, and some between-round animations) about your in-game pugilist opponents that you can think up an entire back story for a boxer in one round. So let’s count it down –worst to first. How do the Punch-Out boxers stack up?

[3] Although this live-action Punch-Out video might make a better movie than 95% of the movies that have come out this year. What would it take to get this made? I’ll pony up money right now.

NOT RANKED

Mike Tyson: Forget the hassle of getting to him in the first place[4]. Also forget the out of the ring troubles Iron Mike found himself in within a few years of the game’s release. Stepping into the ring with Tyson, only to see Little Mac get dropped with an uppercut two seconds later could ruin your entire weekend. Not only that, for every five of your friends that claimed to have beaten him, four were definitely lying and the other probably punched a wall in the course of the fight. Mike, I know the game is named after you, but to make the list, I need more than a .02% chance of winning (or even landing more than two punches) first.

[4] Unless you entered a pass code on the title screen, you cheater.

Great Tiger

The only boxer who makes fighting a chore. You can only throw one punch at a time until he goes into his magic whirly routine. Difficult? Not really, until you miss one block on spin-o-rama, your timing gets thrown off, and one of the easiest fights in the game turns into teeth grinding frustration. Great Tiger is like the free bread restaurants put on the table before meals. Yeah, it’s OK, but it’s not what you came for and is to be gotten through as quickly as possible so you can get to the good stuff. Put it this way –Great Tiger found a way to make magic boring. And he has a dead tiger in his corner. So, you know…animal abuse. Not cool.

Number Nine

There’s a lot of problems here. Thanks to some odd sprite coloring, SMM has gray hair between rounds and black hair during the fight. Between rounds, he looks like an over-the-hill bodybuilder you would see on the beach wearing a too-small Speedo[5]. During the fight, SMM looks like a redneck backyard wrestler. In addition, he flexes his pecs at you. Think about that for a second. You’re a mullet-having, speedo-wearing, boxer named Super Macho Man. Your opponent is a seventeen year-old kid and you intimidate him by…pec-flexing? SMM may have taken one too many shots to the head. On a side note, you’re probably thinking the Super Spin Punch is awesome. You’re wrong. Any time you throw a punch so hard, you’ve turned yourself around in a boxing ring hokey-pokey, you have failed.

[5] Unfortunately, the too-small Speedo part holds true during the fight. Gross.

Number Eight

Von Kaiser is just sort of…there. On the plus side, he has a kickin’ ‘stache. Growing a magnificent mustache AND teaching boxing at a military academy? That’s serious dedication. On the minus side, Von Kaiser is 42. What sort of terrible life is he leading that he is not only forced to keep boxing, but has ended up only one step above Glass Joe? KO’ing Von Kaiser makes me feel guilty, like I should I be contemplating what my life has come to –beating up old dudes in some minor circuit boxing match. I need to take a long shower after this.

Number Seven

This is the highest Glass Joe has probably been ranked in anything. I feel less guilty for this knock-out, since Glass Joe knows himself well enough to ask you to make it quick. A friend of mine tried to lose on purpose to Glass Joe. The only way he could make it work was by starting the match, then promptly leaving the room -even then, the fight went to the judges’ scorecards. However, Glass Joe was always good for a conversation with a friend –who in the world did he KO[6]? Did he land a lucky punch when the other guy wasn’t looking? Did Glass Joe’s opponent throw the fight, fulfilling a long-standing debt to the video game mafia? Was it a forfeit? The world may never know. Reading his bio and seeing that he is from Paris[7] just makes him that much funnier.

[6] Glass Joe’s record — 1-99 (1 KO)

[7] Aside from the all the cracks about French military prowess (or lack thereof), isn’t the fact that Von Kaiser, who is from Berlin, is ranked higher seem like a bit of an inside joke by the programmers?

Number Six

Admit it. If you played Punch-Out, you’ve probably stood up and did the Don Flamenco dance –the right arm in the air, one-legged hoppy dance[8]. Hey, I’m not judging you. We’ve all been there. Don Flamenco also made the biggest production of being knocked down –skidding backwards, he could easily twist and turn four or five times before hitting the canvas face first with a heavy thud. Don makes you think in the ring too. You’re crouched, just waiting to counter the special punch you just know is coming and….nothing. You drop your guard. Still nothing. And then this goofy tango dancer starts mocking you, with an 8-bit laugh. You get mad, throw a punch and he blocks and comes right back at you. Don has turned your own game, counter-punching, back on you –you have to counter-counter-punch. Whoa. Deep thoughts with Don Flamenco.

[8] If you included the rose in your teeth, you get a star.

Number Five

Piston Honda is fierce, no doubt about it. He pulls himself up off the mat with resolve. If you don’t interrupt him, his Piston Punch will pack a wallop and almost certainly knock you down. He’s also got enough moxie to fight his way back in to contention, going from minor circuit champ to world circuit contender. I actually tried his hop around dance on my brother, but it was just about as successful as Piston Honda’s [9]. Piston seems a little star-struck, looking around for the Tokyo TV cameras, but all in all, he’s a tough fight.

[9] Which is to say, not.

Number Four

Soda Popinski

In the arcade version of this game, Soda Popinkski was originally Vodka Drunkenski. Let that sink in for a minute and imagine how better your life would have been if Vodka Drunkenski had been the name that appeared on your living room TV screen. Anyway. This new and improved NES version drinks from a never-ending green bottle generically labeled “pop” between rounds. Sure, Nintendo. I see right through your little game. With a head that looks like someone accidentally left a boulder of it inside while doing brain surgery and boxing gloves that may be loaded with rocks, Soda is one of the more difficult fights you’ll face. No special moves, just quick jabs and uppercuts. Unlike Great Tiger, however, this is never boring. Why? Soda is from Moscow [10]. That’s right, beating Soda Popinski is a victory for truth, justice, and the Bronx.

[10] He also appears pink/orange during the fight –poor pixel shading or subtle political commentary?

Number Three

Mr. Sandman

Mr. Sandman is easily the coolest fighter in the game. Great nickname? Check. Awesome special move [11]? Check. Snappy, yet bullying, catchphrases that make you grit your teeth when you lose, but are incredibly satisfying to throw back in Mr. Sandman’s face after putting him down for the count? Check. Also, major props to Nintendo for avoiding some of the cultural stereotypes/clichés that used for some of the other characters [12]. Thankfully, we don’t have to awkwardly explain why Mr. Sandman is cool while also talking around some sort of terrible racial slur. Of all of the boxers in the game, Mr. Sandman is the only one who seems like they could have been a contender in real life. A little cartoonish, sure, but he’s got Floyd Mayweather’s knack for self-promotion, Frazier’s uppercut, and Muhammad Ali’s cool. Who would protest if they made one more Rocky movie and Mr. Sandman was the bad guy? Nobody.

[11] Variously referred to as the Sand Blaster or the Dreamland Express –either of which is exactly what I would want my special boxing move called.

[12] Looking at you, Piston Honda.

Number Two

I honestly laughed out loud the first time I saw King Hippo. He’s the shape of a Butterball turkey and has a mouth big enough to fit a basketball. He’s wearing a crown in his corner, for crying out loud. How old is he? How much does he weigh? Who knows? The game certainly won’t tell you. I’m pretty sure he got to be king by eating all of the other claimants to the throne. Land a jab and his shorts fall down. The king is obviously a comedy break between fights. Knock him down once and he stumbles backwards into the ropes, not to get up until referee Mario requisitions a crane from a nearby construction company.

Number One

I ranked Bald Bull number one because I am quite frankly terrified that, if I had not, he would show up at my house and knocked my block off. Bald Bull weighs 298 pounds. Little Mac, the 100 pound guy in a tank-top is expected to fight a giant that escaped from a Turkish prison. When Bald Bull unleashes and connects on his bull charge [13], I am always half-convinced that I’ll see Little Mac go flying out of the ring and land in a heap in the third row. When you knock him down, he stumbles and hits the mat with a thud as loud as your drunk uncle at a Christmas party. Just when Mario counts nine and you’re convinced he’s out, done, finished, Bald Bull hauls himself off the canvas, shoots you a contemptuous look over his shoulder and comes back to introduce you to his right fist. Bald Bull still gives me nightmares and I’m 28 years old. Imagine the terror he wreaked on unsuspecting eight year olds in the early nineties.

[13] He throws an uppercut that starts from the floor. THE FLOOR. Imagine a defensive lineman putting his entire weight into one enormous uppercut and you’ve got some idea of what we’re talking about.

-Honorary Dude John

2 Dudes and a NES

Retro gaming at its finest.

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