Here at the official 2 Dudes and a NES laboratories, we are constantly testing new theories and formulas to solve some of retro gaming’s toughest challenges, solving puzzles that would make the most hardcore Sudoku players squirm in discomfort, and we do it all for you. One such theory is the subject of today’s Atari Man Loves, in conjunction (junction, what’s your function?) with Dude Michael and Dude Justin discussing Super Mario Bros 2. Hold on. Let me set the mood with some somber Twilight Zone style music and lighting. Ok, that’s better.
Imagine if you will, a world where you are consistently trying to keep your footing, dodging these flying insect-like creatures with what appear to be pitchforks. Perhaps they are dairy farmers upset about the uproar over rising milk prices. However, as you do this there are these other creatures that scurry past you, sometimes falling into the icy sea below, as coordination and grace are not their strong suits. As they go past you, you think to yourself, “Man, I’m really hungry for some mashed potatoes right about now.”
Of course, this is when you remember what former John Adams High School graduate, current John Quincy Adams history teacher, and mashed potato connoisseur, Corey Matthews once said about mashed potatoes, “Don’t try to be mashed potatoes, they’re the best in the world at what they do.” Yes, I love what is known in Super Mario Bros 2 as a Flurry, supposedly a snowbound creature that’s all about tripping you up as you try to keep your footing in the icy tundra of World 4, but they are about as coordinated as a toddler; or a drunk..a drunk toddler?
I mean does anything that looks like a midget made out of mashed potatoes seem menacing and evil to you? I’ve been calling them mashed potato people since the game’s debut in 1988 and I see no reason to stop calling them that now. They’re just so cute and adorable, I wish they made stuffed animals of them so I could put them on a shelf somewhere, maybe squeeze them and have them say something about the many benefits of mashed potatoes.
To me, this whole thing with them being associated with the evil Wart shows that even the most adorable and innocent creatures can be led down the wrong path if they feel threatened. Want to hear my theory? Of course you do! Mashed potato people are obviously a peaceful race, used to bringing comfort and happiness to all those around them. Wart, the big jerk he is, probably still miserable over being denied all his royalty checks from his only appearance in a Super Mario Bros game, threatened to destroy the peaceful village of spuds with a mighty volcano of gravy, unless they pledged their allegiance to him. Thinking not only of their own safety and survival, but that of the countless people in America who love mashed potatoes as well as mashed potato looking people scurrying and sliding around on ice, they did the only thing they could, becoming evil snow lords for a big jerk who threatened to kill them with turkey gravy should they disobey him.
Today, on this, a month where we salute Irish people, Irish spring soap, public drunkenness during parades (I’m looking at you, Scranton), breakfast cereals that taste like cardboard and marshmallows, random rainbows, and of course, POTATOES, I salute you, the ones known as Flurries, because we all know who you really are. Beneath that snowy exterior beats the heart of a starchy soul who was willing to put it all on the line for the greater good. It brings a tear to my eyes just thinking about the sacrifices you made for us who love mashed potatoes. No wait, that’s not a tear, I was just cooking with onions.
Go, mashed potato people, be free. After 26 years, you deserve nothing better. Thank you for your service, and remember, we love you…
…with butter and chives. Mmmm.
About the author:
Atari Man is a 33 year old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.
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