When someone got the fool notion that they wanted me to contribute something to this website, the very first retro-est memory that popped in to my head was Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. For some people, the first video game they remember is Mario. For some, it’s The Legend of Zelda. Well, my first video game memory is of an underage[1], underweight[2], underdog out of the Bronx looking to make it big in the World Video Boxing Association (WVBA).
[1] Seriously, Little Mac is 17.
[2] 107 pounds! I’ve owned dogs bigger than that.
Why does this game stick out? It’s not like it had a memorable story (criminally undersized kid punches people?)[3]. The graphics were solid for the 8-bit era, but nothing spectacular. No, the most memorable thing about this game is the characters you spend hours jabbing and uppercutting. As any Batman fan will tell you, the rogues’ gallery is the place where your imagination runs wild. Punch-Out gives you just enough details (height, weight, catchphrases, and some between-round animations) about your in-game pugilist opponents that you can think up an entire back story for a boxer in one round. So let’s count it down –worst to first. How do the Punch-Out boxers stack up?
[3] Although this live-action Punch-Out video might make a better movie than 95% of the movies that have come out this year. What would it take to get this made? I’ll pony up money right now.
NOT RANKED
Mike Tyson: Forget the hassle of getting to him in the first place[4]. Also forget the out of the ring troubles Iron Mike found himself in within a few years of the game’s release. Stepping into the ring with Tyson, only to see Little Mac get dropped with an uppercut two seconds later could ruin your entire weekend. Not only that, for every five of your friends that claimed to have beaten him, four were definitely lying and the other probably punched a wall in the course of the fight. Mike, I know the game is named after you, but to make the list, I need more than a .02% chance of winning (or even landing more than two punches) first.
[4] Unless you entered a pass code on the title screen, you cheater.
Number Ten
The only boxer who makes fighting a chore. You can only throw one punch at a time until he goes into his magic whirly routine. Difficult? Not really, until you miss one block on spin-o-rama, your timing gets thrown off, and one of the easiest fights in the game turns into teeth grinding frustration. Great Tiger is like the free bread restaurants put on the table before meals. Yeah, it’s OK, but it’s not what you came for and is to be gotten through as quickly as possible so you can get to the good stuff. Put it this way –Great Tiger found a way to make magic boring. And he has a dead tiger in his corner. So, you know…animal abuse. Not cool.
[5] Unfortunately, the too-small Speedo part holds true during the fight. Gross.
[6] Glass Joe’s record — 1-99 (1 KO)
[7] Aside from the all the cracks about French military prowess (or lack thereof), isn’t the fact that Von Kaiser, who is from Berlin, is ranked higher seem like a bit of an inside joke by the programmers?
[8] If you included the rose in your teeth, you get a star.
[9] Which is to say, not.
Number Four
[10] He also appears pink/orange during the fight –poor pixel shading or subtle political commentary?
Number Three
[11] Variously referred to as the Sand Blaster or the Dreamland Express –either of which is exactly what I would want my special boxing move called.
[12] Looking at you, Piston Honda.
Number Two
Number One
[13] He throws an uppercut that starts from the floor. THE FLOOR. Imagine a defensive lineman putting his entire weight into one enormous uppercut and you’ve got some idea of what we’re talking about.
-Honorary Dude John
2 Dudes and a NES 