Michael Kelso is a really trusting guy as it relates to what I post on this fine website. Well, it’s either that or he leads such a boring life that something I find particularly funny or interesting entertains him. Seriously, Kelso, go out and get some sun or something, your life is a precious thing to be wasting on the futile efforts of Atari Man to bring such hilarity to the masses. Fine, suit yourself, but when your license plate goes missing I don’t want to hear anything. I digress. Once again, Michael has tasked me with playing a game I’ve never played on the NES before, nor had any intentions of playing ever, in Defender Of The Crown.
Now look, I get the whole appeal of this game. It was cool to play this way before Robin Hood: Men In Tights came onto the scene, and even before Jim Carrey and Matthew Broderick were enjoying a battle at Medieval Times, but I think, in retrospect, most of us who did play this title will soon realize it isn’t the swordplay, the jousting, or anything else featured in this game that truly steals the show and gives us that epic adventure we were longing for as children. No, friends, not since the days of King Arthur has there been quite an interesting musical act quite like..
The blue haired trumpeters.
Why is their hair blue? There’re many speculations really, everything from them being a mysterious race of humans who mated with Smurfs or are of some direct descent from them. Other people think this is how the group Blue Man Group was formed, which is another strong theory. Neither theory can be proven, however. My opinion is that once again more foes fell to the trickery of one Latrine of the Robin Hood: Men In Tights movie after refusing to help her gain the affections of The Sheriff Of Rottingham. They were punished by losing their golden locks and replacing them with what appear to be heads of 7 Eleven Slurpees. Whichever theory you subscribe to, the important thing here is to know that back in those days, as the direct descendant of the rapper Snoop Dogg, Snoopus Maximus once said, and I quote, “There ain’t no party like a blue hair party, cuz a blue hair party don’t stop.” He may have also unnecessary thrown in a letter G as well. I don’t know. I wasn’t there, now was I? Get off my back, woman!
Ahem. It does beg the question, how much more money would Robin Hood movies grossed had these blue-haired little weirdos been in the films? Would people care less about whether Robin Hoods could speak with an English accent? Would townspeople care less about their villages being burned down in the name of Mel Brooks? As a fellow trumpeter, I can tell you, it’s not an easy job sounding that good, and I can say with certainty that a large portion of Defender Of The Crown sales should have been spent trying to find a cure for middle age blue hair, but sadly, it never was.
No friends, the people at Defender Of The Crown thought it was more beneficial to create scenes where a knight in full armor stands looking out onto the crowd, with nothing but an empty elementary school flag pole as a weapon.
I pledge allegiance to the blue haired people of medieval England.
About the author:
Atari Man is a 33-year-old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.
2 Dudes and a NES 