Lazy Developers

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When tasked to come up with something fresh, innovative, and Michael Kelso approved (begrudgingly or not) it is easy to forget something I love about a classic NES game that’s right there in front of me the whole time, and there is no game in the vast Nintendo universe more iconic, more deserving of the term classic than the original Super Mario Bros. Stories of this game are told far and wide, and yet for all the fanfare the game gets, there’s one thing that is conveniently overlooked. No, this isn’t about Atari Man’s love of Luigi’s green facial hair when it’s time for him to start shooting fire, nor is it about Bowser’s never changing creeper face that desperately tries to lure kids into an unmarked van with promises of candy and the latest Octonauts toy. There’s one thing I love the most about this game, one thing that deserves it’s own Real Men Of Genius type commercial, and it isn’t even something that’s entirely game related.

Super Mario Bros, dear readers, was one of the most notable circumstances where lazy developers still had their moment to shine, when being bored with tedious tasks was still rewarded, because it was 1985, and no one really cared to argue. If you don’t believe your friendly, neighborhood Atari Man, all you have to do when playing this classic platform game is to look up, and then look back down.


Hi there, just letting you know ANYTHING is possible.-Cloudbush

That’s right, the clouds and the bushes are the same shape, same design, just different colors. While I’m certain there are far more accurate reasons as to why this happened, I think I’m worthy enough to put my own spin on things. Yes, Atari Man loves lazy developers, because they give birth to things like this, Pac-Man on the Atari 2600, and every religious themed game in the history of everything. Oh sure, one could just slap the word prototype at the end of the game, but it takes a real man with big A and B buttons to just put something out there regardless of how sloppy it looks, but hey, what did you guys and gals expect the day the bushes and clouds were created, something by Michelangelo? It’s hard to do when you had the most successful and yet drunken night at the karaoke bar in your entire life!


That’s the spirit, random pink sweater chick!

Besides, let’s be honest with ourselves here, haven’t we all had our moments where we wished the bushes and the clouds were the same colors, the same textures, the same amount of ozone depletion and Edward Scissorhands precision? Wow, imagine that, Johnny Depp in full on creepy guy mode making the clouds look even more appealing than a Bob Ross painting (That was for you, Aaron Hickman!)


I am in no way associated with this article OR Retro Obscura. Leave my spirit alone, Hickman.

Now I know what you’re thinking as you sit there in your Legend Of Zelda t-shirt, eating some Doritos, and wishing you had a cold Crystal Pepsi to wash it down with, why would anybody want to honor sheer laziness in the video game industry? Well because friends, we all still blindly do it every holiday season or whenever a brand new game comes out, because let’s face it, nothing really is brand new anymore, now is it? I’m not one for waxing philosophy (and even less hardwood floors, you can ask my fiancée, Kathy) but games are never 100% ready to go like they used to be, and while some people may try to cover the collective butts of their favorite video game companies by saying that they just had so many ideas that couldn’t have made it into the game in time for release, we know what’s really happening, now don’t we? Of course we do. Probably something that involves way too much high carb snacks and binge watching Orange Is The New Black. I’ve seen it a hundred times.

So why does Atari Man love lazy developers if there’s nothing honorable in being lazy? Well even though I’m not for being lazy at all, it’s bad for your health and may even cause tooth decay (I know, Rob, I know) I am most definitely in favor of doing the least amount of work and still looking impressive and worthy of accolades despite that little nagging factor of being as efficient as a garden slug (of the none Ducktales drunken variety) Can you really blame developers of games like Super Mario Bros for being looked at as video game gods despite the fact that REAL video game gods know the difference between a bush and a cloud?


I’ve only heard of one god-like bush, and he sang one killer “She’ll Be Comin’ Round The Mountain”.

Seriously, hats off to you guys, and be sure to sing another killer public domain song Friday night at Wong’s Wings And Karaoke Bar for me. You guys are awesome!

The Acceptance Of Random Child Lifting

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To those who know me, and be thankful you’re not one of these unfortunate souls, I am quite the strange person (Can you tell?) but not just for the reasons that are quite evident. I am also a strange person in that a lot of the NES series that have that one game that is considered the definitive game in the series is often the one I don’t like, instead becoming an avid fan of that one game that is usually universally regarded as the black sheep or worst entry in the franchise’s illustrious history. In no situation is this more true than in my blatant disregard for the grandeur that is the original Legend Of Zelda, tossing all it’s fanfare aside like a used tissue in favor of one of my all time favorite childhood games, Zelda II: Adventure Of Link, a game that is as polarizing as Tim Tebow, and if you can’t agree with that, please, view exhibit A!


“Dur, what does polarizing mean? TEBOW TIME!”

I’ve given many reasons I find logical about my love of this game, but this isn’t about those logical ones. This is about the one reason that gets me about as much attention as Rob Luther after a dental exam, Nick Stephens at a Barry White tribute concert, or Landon Long at a chicken biscuit eating contest, and that would be, of course, the acceptance of random child lifting. What’s that? Not catching what Tim Tebow is throwing? Surely we all know about Link and his patented item excitement lift technique that was later blatantly copied by a bunch of weird people who think Little Caesars is as popular as it was in the 90s, without even filling out the legal Hyrulian documents, but I digress.


Admit it, you played the Ocarina Of Time item ditty in your head upon seeing this. Don’t lie to a woman holding a dachshund in the air, it’s bad luck.

Well while there are certainly some questionable items Link has lifted over the years, perhaps none as perplexing and borderline a CPA violation than the random child he lifts in Zelda II. If you think there’s nothing wrong with this scenario, please allow me to show you exhibit B!


There’s a reason Hyrule children are told not to talk to strangers, because they may get lifted into the air, turned into an item, and becoming a citizen of a Peter Pan impersonator’s pocket for all eternity. I mean just look at this kid’s terrified face!

You may be wondering how an honorable human being like myself could love seemingly the abduction of poorly dressed cave children by a guy with pointy ears and a sword that shoots laser beams, but before you put me on trial, my reason for loving this is the fact that this was all considered acceptable by Nintendo, a company that was supposedly built on wholesome family fun and good taste. That’s where the humor comes in, not in the children running from Link as he yells out “Get in my pocket!” with a certain Austin Powers’ villain’s accent.

To the children of Hyrule, take some quick advice from your ol’ pal Atari Man..

Run, children, run!

 

About the author:

Atari Man is a 33-year-old video game small business owner, retro enthusiast, and writer. He’s a good guy, just don’t get trapped in an elevator with him if you don’t know who Ace Harding or the VTech World Wizard are.

Hyperion

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Just in time for Easter, the Dudes are here to talk about an Easter Egg. Except this time the Easter Egg is a game itself. The Dudes are talking this week about never released and unfinished game Hyperion.

Developed by Yoshio Sakamoto, Hyperion was a very unique game that could have had an impact on future games released on the NES. However, the game was never released and actually gave rise to two famous NES games.

Intrigued about this game that never came to fruition? Well give the episode a listen and see what you think about this game that never came to be.


Retrofitted Trophies

Hand-eye coordination of an astronaut – Beat the 1st level without getting hit

Shouldn’t you be on an old building – Kill 5 Gargoyles on level 2


Game Rating

Type of Invention:

Michael – Shamwow

Justin – Flobee


Behind The Scenes Look


Shout Outs!

Super Mario Bros. 2

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The Dudes return! And as per dude protocol, they are joined by special guest and back from break specialist John.

This week the Dudes dive into the NES classic Super Mario Bros 2. Definitely the most obscure of the Mario games, there is perhaps no other Mario game that has more polar reactions to it. Super Mario Bros 2 brings out the debate about whether it is a great Mario game or a mediocre at best game.

While the game gets mixed reviews retrospectively, it certainly was popular. The Dudes dive into this game and all the obscurity that it brings.


Retrofitted Trophies

Girl Power Trophy to Princess Peach

Boom goes the dynamite – Kill 5 enemies with POW block

Little Nemo – Beat the game without dying

Over Easy – Beat Ostro

Yes, We All Wear Masks – Steal the key

Magic Carpet Ride – Steal a carpet

Triathlon Trophy – Beat the game as Mario

High Jump Trophy – Beat the game as Luigi

Long Jump Trophy – Beat the game as Peach

Weight Lifting Trophy – Beat the game as Toad

Blistex Trophy – Beat the game


Game Rating

Type of Vegetable:

John: 8 out of 10 onions

Michael: an onion

Justin: Radish


 

Behind The Scenes Look


Shout Outs!

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

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Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. Wasn’t Zelda I an adventure of Link as well?

The Dudes are joined by the incredible Jay of Nintendo Quest! He has beat this game; so that right there makes him 100% more able to talk about this game than the Dudes.

And that’s exactly why it’s great that Justin and Michael bring on guests. This is a really interesting episode with lots of great game talk.

Don’t forget to support Jay and his Nintendo Quest documentary on Kickstarter. Only a few days left.


Retrofitted Trophies

Godfather’s Special – Kill 5 mini horse heads

Where are my pants? (Easy Access) – Play the game and look at Link

The Dirty Birdy – Defeat Thunderbird without taking a hit

Live Mountain – Make it past death mountain

Conquer the Crag… the Agro Crag – Make it through Death Mountain without destroying your controller or TV

Lady of the Night – Get “healed” by a lady in town


Game Rating

Type of mountain:

Michael – Mt. Olympia

Justin – K2

Jay – Mt. Everest


 

Video

Coming soon!


Behind The Scenes Look


Shout Outs!